ciao, sei molto bella

This week is about slowly reintroducing my old vicious schedule back into my life, via baby steps. I am feeling very excited about it.

I am going to drink only water today, giving up soda for good this time, it does horrible things to me and I don’t like the taste so, let’s just not drink it ever again! haha

I am also going to spend this week writing some of my thoughts in a journal, to be more mentally prepared for this. I have been in a very poor mind frame and thinking about my ED a lot lately. I want to have a healthier relationship with food, and write out my problems and feelings so i can just get a better perspective on where i am and where i plan to go. :)

aiming to go once this morning and back again in the evening, if possible.

I don’t think i want to talk about the last few weeks. I really missed my tumblr but had no time to post, and felt to embarrassed because i wasnt doing very good. I am not sure how much I weight, I know I gained a few pounds, and a lot of inches, i don’t look or feel good right now.

I started working my new job, its a 4am stocking shift. You’d think that would be good for me, moving around, lifting, but really, I am always dehydrated, I don’t eat breakfast or any food, the only way I ate more than 300 calories in a day was because I was eating potato chips and pepsi. I feel like crap and getting up for work is getting harder and harder, I have no energy, and the dehydration is giving me bad heartburn every night and morning, and I don’t think I have to describe the migraines. I’ve had thoughts of relapsing with my ED and my health is really not good. I knew I had to do something about out, and fast. So here I am. The good news is I have money, so I can afford to pay the gym, and so i can go regularly once more. I can also buy my own food now. I am going to try to make food to bring to work with me. Its hard because who wants to eat a big meal at 7am? But I’m going to have to do it.

One day I brought food in to work with me on my second or third day, and my coworker commented on how she could never eat such a big meal[it was a few sweet and sour chicken with maybe 5 forkfuls of brown rice and green peas] and i threw it in the garbage and haven’t eaten anything there since, not good, since ive been there 6 weeks now.

So yeah, you can see I am not in a healthy mindframe in many ways. I have been suffering and feeling very down and looking at my reflection gives me pains, i feel like i am not myself, my reflection doesn’t match me, and neither does this quitting attitude you know?

I guess everyone has down days.

early morning zumba was a bit off, i was kind of not alert and steps i could do monday i kept messing up today, but it was still enjoyable, just didn’t get a hell of a workout like i normally do.

What i really want to talk about is my yoga experience.

It was my first time going to a yoga class and i was a bit nervous. I’ve been out of the flexibility field for a long time, and felt concerned about whether i could do a lot of the moves.. I’m glad i sucked it up and went though because it was so relaxing and i feel absolutely wonderful, like my problems are there but they are on the sidelines, and do not affect me today. It was beautiful, and i loved every single moment of it. It was really great for all levels, ugh it was perfect, great first experience. I can’t wait until next week to go again.

going to try my best to eat clean today: no dairy, no meat. i wanna keep this good feeling going!

my shoulders because they were my target yesterday with weights, my abs, my obliques. if i laugh it is a wave of pain! haha

I’m glad though, its been too long since i woke up aching the next morning, and to me, it shows i worked hard enough to remember it.

Today is Yoga in about an hour, looking forward to it, though i know i will have trouble balancing, guess i’ll stay in the back so i don’t distract others who are regulars.

I’ll set up the queue for a few hours, then!

so, i decided to participate in no weigh april. I weighed myself the first week of april and thats it. I had trouble with my recovery, and i honestly didn’t do much lately, as i have reported a few times. i’m having some health troubles that have made me upset, it was hard to focus on much else.

so im back on the wagon fully now, and i had to weigh myself. Did i do much damage in april? Was i back where i started?
No, and no.

I am 245.2 pounds, up 3.1 pounds in the past month since i stopped working out. I don’t think that is too bad at all, and i am ready to pick up where i left off.

and, you know, i have to admit, that not coming on here every day and posting like a machine really affected me. I felt like i had no support again, no motivation. I didn’t have that get up and go attitude that i’ve been bathing in at first. So, blogging really helps. I hope you’ll all welcome me back with open arms, i know ive been awful.

anyway, breakfast and gym for me. I’ll see ya soon!

I am telling you in advance this is no april fools joke :D

Weight: 242.1 lbs [ DOWN 3.7 LBS!! YEAH]

Down 2.5 inches overall.

Even my big spare tire went down .25”. Thats the place that i know will be the hardest to lose fat from, so that teeny tiny bit of progress is awesome to finally see.
I’m so happy with the results from this week, i worked so hard and i ate awesome.
And i even ate half a big bag of chips while watching a movie this week, oops.
The point is, one bad meal won’t throw you off. Don’t guilt yourself, remind yourself its okay to have a treat once in a while, but not every day, certainly not! Live life.

:D

:D

It wasn’t too bad even though i’m still sick. I’m nervous for week 3!

and im really wishing i had another person to motivate me. I mean, everyone i follow motivates me to get in there and do my thing, but i wish i had someone to keep up with, or try to beat.

She doesnt want to go to the gym the same times i do, the same days, or with the regularity that i do. She doesnt want to sweat, or work hard. She only has 10 pounds to lose.
I’m really serious about it, she isn’t, and we’re on different pages completely. It’s just frustrating, you know? I just find it so hard to get in there knowing all she wants to do is go on the treadmill for 30 minutes and then go home. I want to get my moneys worth, i want to work hard and get toned and eat right, and fugudjsakdbjfk.

How am i going to do this?